Gods and Monsters: 'God of War II' best game of year so far

Doug Elfman
The GAME DORK

In "God of War II," you fight with Zeus-era gods the size of skyscrapers and tear their glowing eyes out of their huge sockets.

Birds the size of eagles pester you, so you jump up high, grab them, step on their backs and rip them in half with your hands.

Everyone tries to kill you. Gods. Dogs. Ogre-type men. Gladiators. And topless Medusas wish to turn you to stone with a glance.

You even travel to hell, where you climb out of the moaning pit. You scale walls with knives in you hands. You inch upward one hand-knife stab at a time, while you slay the arms of the damned, which grasp at you from the walls of hell.

As you can see, "God of War II" is an ambitious, bloody spectacle. It's also the best adventure game since the first "God of War" came out two years ago.

And it's the hardest game to beat in two years, since "Shadow of the Colossus."

I spent an hour killing one of the easier guys. I hit him at least 300 times with chains, knives and fiery arrows while simultaneously fending off six rhino-size monsters clubbing me with axes as the ground was attacking me with couch-size ice picks.

I literally said aloud, "OK, OK! I get it, already, it's hard!"

You play as a Spartan warrior named Kratos. In the original "God of War," Kratos sold his soul to Ares, the god of war, then went on a bloodthirsty streak of murder. One day, while delusional due to one of Ares' ploys, Kratos accidentally killed his wife and child.

So Kratos killed his way through gods, dogs and gladiators, etc., until he killed Ares and took his place as the god of war.

"God of War II" begins with Kratos full of godly hubris during a bitter killing spree. The unhappy gods dethrone him and turn him back into a warrior, so he sets his vengeful sights on Zeus and all the gods and monsters that lead to Zeus.

This is, to say the least, one of the more intricate and interesting story lines in all of video games, which usually lazy-day their way through thin plots or none at all.

The scope is astounding even in comparison to other, impressive gaming experiences. Some games draw up huge cities. Others contain entire kingdoms. "God of War II" gives us a whole civilization, cinematic film clips and stunning artistry.

In the fourth hour (of dozens of hours of game play), I stood on a horse as big as a small mountain. In the background, I saw ocean-based Olympic fortresses as tall as Las Vegas hotels, fronted by carved faces.

I had to explore not just the exteriors of these beautifully ornate fortresses, but scores of rooms and hallways and traps inside. This portion of the game takes up only a tiny fraction of "God of War." That. Is. Intimidating.

The most splendid and glorious element of "God of War II" is its peerless fighting methods. You use dozens of fight moves with the swords/knives attached to your hands ("Blades of Chaos"), a God hammer, magic spells and other means.

The one downside is it's available only for the PlayStation 2, though it does work on a PS 3.

Still, it's the type of magnificent epic that convinces gamers to feel unimpressed by summer adventure movies. You play "God of War II" and think: It must have taken 1,000 people to design this game. Actually, the credits list more than 300.

But it's just one man who gets all the attention, Kratos, who falls from grace early in the game and vows to the gods, "You will pay for this. Be certain of that." Oh, I am.

("God of War II retails for $50 for PS 2 . Also plays in PS 3 systems. Plays as fun as games get; looks spectacular; intensely difficult; rated "M" for blood, gore, intense violence, nudity, sexual themes and strong language. Four stars out of four.)

'Tudors' joins the old and the ribald

March 29, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Young Henry doesn't bother to remove a waistcloth while presenting his loins and abs of steel to a salacious young mistress. Here in Henry's kingdom by the sea, heads roll; gallantry's on the guillotine. But his passion, in Showtime's "The Tudors," is to put chambermaids and daughters of advisers on their backs and knees. It's good to be the king.

Clearly, this is not the aged Henry VIII of turkey legs and puffy museum portraits. This is Dorian Gray Henry, spoiled by blood and impetuous lust. Someday his bloated portrait will reveal the wrinkles of hedonism. But while it lasts, hedonism is happy fun times.

Thin and playful, the king volleys tennis balls well and never loses at jousting. (Who'd brave execution to plow his lord with a pole?) Sweaty from sport, Henry drips debauchery.

Sex, sex, sex. "The Tudors" implicitly rubs history the right way. The trouble with laced-up, old history stories is we regard them as if they wear chastity belts and aspire to be in Shakespeare's tragedies, which themselves were violent and sensationalistic departures from moral plays during the bard's generation.

Funny how it takes not PBS but cable TV's most expensive pay-cable channels to address bygone eras -- in HBO's just-wrapped "Rome" and now Showtime's "Tudors" -- with narrative texts and tones, more grisly and nuder than what you see in high school classrooms.

In a recent "Rome," a soldier of high rank entered the orgy quarters of a rival peer and didn't deign to glance at enslaved prostitutes being raped at hand. As the two officers conducted business, one unclothed woman wept cautiously on her captor's lap as he forced plum pieces into her quivering mouth.

In "The Tudors," sex is shared mostly among nobles. So it's basically consensual. (Hark, the progress between B.C. Rome and 16th century England.)

Sex isn't always pretty in "The Tudors." Men who operate Henry's court -- not including the Catholic cardinal, who has a wife and children -- merrily send their daughters to Henry's bedchambers in exchange for good tidings.

One of Henry's prey is Mary Boleyn (sister of Anne/ mother of Elizabeth I), who is offered to Henry by her own power-tripped father. Henry gazes at Mary after a long, hard day and asks sweetly, "You've been at the French court for two years. Tell me, what French graces have you learned?"

Henry finds only practical use for his own daughter Mary (the future Queen Mary I). As a little girl, she stands near a castle window while Henry, thinking politically, offers her tiny hand in marriage to Charles V (already the king of Spain and the Holy Roman emperor).

Charles, with his giant chin, squats to smile at the clueless child. "Bravo," he approves and tenderly kisses her cheeks.

Yes, you are correct. This is pretty disgusting behavior among white-white men who ruled the world, saved our language and are considered "great men," while at their feet fell female footnotes, not counting Queen Mary, Elizabeth and a few other noir heroines and scapegoats. (At least the Europeans elevated women rulers).

HBO and Showtime's devilishly detailed treatments of grand histories may be fictional and occasionally farfetched, but even compared to many movie period pieces, they try to give viewers a grittier notion of the daily grind of relatively horrific times.

This is precisely why television critics so often prefer such Deep Cable. It's not soaped up and sanitized for parental and political relief. It is ornate and musky, and not incidentally quite lucrative for the networks.

Complain about the state of entertainment if you will, but the business of American TV is business, and if you follow the money, you'll see not only that breasts and blood sell, but so does intellectual curiosity. Have you listened to the language in "Rome"? It's college-level dialogue, spilling forth from naked actresses and men in tights.

The qualitative difference between "Rome" and "The Tudors" is significant, however. Two seasons of "Rome" cost $100 million to make, supposedly, and it shows in its magnificent and bold breadth. The tighter budget of the 10-part "Tudors" produces smaller sets and less inspired cinematography.

In fact, "The Tudors" suffers from being merely capable on most fronts, a decent diversion. The direction is effective but artistically flat, and so are several scripts.

Good fortune comes primarily from an intense and blunt portrayal of Henry (by Irish actor and Versace "face" Jonathan Rhys Meyers) and a sensible, humanistic depiction of Henry's mentor Sir Thomas More (British-born Jeremy Northam).

It's hard not to spot another comparison between "Rome" and "Tudors": violence of religion. In "Rome," people pray to gods named Forculus and such; they bathe in sacrificial animal blood. In "The Tudors," Jesus is the reason for the season of war, at times. The Church. The Pope. Pending Protestantism. Jesus is love? Blood spills just the same.
All the salacious slithering comes with a legitimate thematic thread. Lust helps the king rein his aggression and think less hotheaded. (But of course. Why would a man want to grip power if he can't get no satisfaction?)

History records Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (Sam Neill) may have encouraged Henry's libidinous appetite to get on his good side. But as "The Tudors" sews this, Henry chills out when he exerts energy with women. Romps slightly temper his thirst for war with French whiners.

The bumper-sticker bottom line: Calm heads of state prefer sex to war -- at the expense of women under them. No matter how much supporting evidence you provide (Hitler's questionable sex drive; peacenik Jimmy Carter's Playboy libido; etc.), you may not find that theory in a deferential textbook. But it's spread all over HBO and Showtime.

Suburban Web site says 'Idol' is 'giant karaoke contest'

March 26, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

A scrappy little Web site run from suburban Chicago is giving "American Idol" and fans fits. It's the second most popular "Idol"-related site -- right behind "Idol's" official site. And it's inspiring death threats and promises of lawsuits against its owner.

The David and Goliath goal of VoteForTheWorst.com is to convince people to vote for the worst singer every week.

It's getting noticed. Last week, site owner Dave Della Terza, 24, chatted on Howard Stern's show. The site served as fodder for morning TV chatter. On "Letterman," Paula Abdul called the site "just terrible."

Support from Stern fans and "Idol" bashers appears to be helping contestant Sanjaya Malakar, the 17-year-old Washington state kid with the flowy hair and thin voice. Before last Tuesday's show, the site pleaded, "If we can move him ONE more week into the top 10, he'll go on tour."

Sanjaya then proceeded to get enough votes to make it to the final 10.

The answers to your first questions are (a) Della Terza's job is teaching TV-related courses at College of DuPage; (b) no, he has never auditioned for "Idol," though he did try to work in Hollywood once, and (c) yes, many "Idol" fans hate him.

After Sanjaya got another VFTW-related reprieve last week, Della Terza received 1,000 e-mails the next day. Many were nasty -- enough that he prefers not to be too specific about where he lives.

"I get so many creepy e-mails from people," he says. "They're like, 'I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you.'

"People take this show so seriously. It's just a cheesy entertainment-reality show."

VoteForTheWorst is serious to a point, Della Terza says. "But we don't care that much. If Sanjaya is to go home next week, oh, well. We'll move on to someone else," he says.

"I hope he doesn't, because that's hilarious. His performance on Tuesday night was the funniest performance ever [thanks to] the crying girl [fan] and [Sanjaya's] jumping around onstage."

Also last Tuesday, contestant Chris Sligh -- the curly-haired guy wearing glasses -- said, "Hi, Dave" onstage. Previous to this, VFTW suggested it was bored with Sligh but would back him if he said "Hi, Dave" on the air, Della Terza boasts.

"So now, I love Chris Sligh. He had the balls of steel to say something 'American Idol' hates," Della Terza says.

VFTW may already have helped produce an "Idol." Last year, the site backed Taylor Hicks. He won. Afterward, fans of both the singer and the site went to a Hicks concert with a VFTW T-shirt. The "Idol" victor merrily posed with the shirt for a photo.

That picture is the first thing you see at VoteForTheWorst.com.

"I'm glad Taylor understands it was a joke," Della Terza says. "The thing I like about him and some of the contestants is they get the show is cheesy and corny."

Della Terza, who went to Northern Illinois University, swears his mission isn't to destroy "Idol."

"We do want to expose the show," he says. "It's definitely a very manipulated TV show, and people don't get that."

This season, he thinks, producers wanted, say, Melinda Doolittle to do well so she could sell lots of records, but they wanted Sanjaya for good TV. He's thrilled "Idol" has to take Sanjaya on its concert tour.

"Now people have to listen to Sanjaya," Della Terza says. "You're paying to see a giant karaoke contest."

The downside to VFTW is the loads of "idiotic" e-mails Della Terza receives.

"It's the same letter over and over basically," he says. "The only ones I write back to are the ones that are really stupid. And I write back, like, 'Your mom.' "

Fans of specific contestants blame VFTW when someone like Sanjaya stays put and someone more talented gets booted.

"We're like, 'No. You made Stephanie Edwards go home, because you didn't vote for her' " enough, he says. "You can't blame us for voting for one person."

All kinds of people threaten to sue him.

"It always makes me laugh when you think it's an e-mail from a teenager, and then at the bottom it says their law firm name," he says. "If these lawsuits materialized, we'd have 50 to 100 lawsuits a week."

He mocks these e-mails: " 'Yeah I'm suing you, because Sanjaya is bad.' OK, let's see how this court case goes. I'll represent myself," he says.

Della Terza claims Fox once issued a cease-and-desist order demanding he take copyrighted "Idol" material off his site, a move Fox confirms.

"Millions of fans of 'American Idol' vote for their favorites each season," the network proclaims in a statement, "and that success speaks far louder than the specious ramblings of any mean-spirited and insignificant Web site."

Della Tersa is undeterred. "They're as dumb as the 12-year-olds that write to us," he says.

"All we're doing is getting people to watch their show. ... You're idiots. We're [earning] you money for the sponsors!"

How to watch TV online

Fave shows just a click away
Don't bother picking up your remote control. Your favorite shows are online, convenient, free.

March 25, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
It's becoming easier and easier to watch TV without a TV. If you miss an episode of "Lost," you can go to ABC.com to watch not only the most recent episode, but also six others posted there. They're free to watch, unlike shows on $2-an-episode iTunes.
You can't download every TV series online. Fox doesn't post "American Idol," "The Simpsons" or "Family Guy" on MySpace.com/Fox. But you can see 13 other shows there, from "24" to "Bones" and "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
NBC.com serves up 13 series, including every episode of "Heroes." At ABC.com, you can prowl 12 series. CBS.com streams 19.
Certain series aren't online because the studios that film them have yet to sign a contract with TV networks. ("Criminal Minds" would be on CBS.com if CBS owned the show, or if CBS could reach an agreement with owner Paramount.)
An upside to surfing shows: Online, they aren't bundled with as many commercials as on TV. And you can pause, rewind and fast-forward with ease.
A downside: The CW posts most of its series, but CWTV.com's online video player pauses roughly for my Mac and ruins the experience. Same deal with ComedyCentral.com.
There's another catch. To handle the size of videos, you need a good and fairly new PC or Mac. My year-old laptop at home streams fine; my decade-old Mac at the office won't even think about running this stuff. Your computer also needs to be equipped with viewing software, which can be downloaded free through the network sites.

Here's what was online as of last week:

ABC.COM
• "According to Jim": Four episodes
• "Brothers & Sisters": 16 episodes
• "Dancing With the Stars": One episode
• "Desperate Housewives": Four episodes
• "Day Break": 12 episodes including the season finale
• "Grey's Anatomy": Four episodes
• "Knights of Prosperity": Nine episodes
• "Lost": Seven episodes
• "Men in Trees": Two episodes
• "Six Degrees": Four episodes
• "Ugly Betty": Six episodes
• "What About Brian?": 17 episodes
BONUS VIDEO ONLINE

• Behind the scenes at "General Hospital" and other soaps.
• Brief clips of "The View," "Good Morning America," "World News," "Primetime," "Nightline," "This Week" and "20/20."
• Snippets of late-night and primetime series.

NBC.COM
• "30 Rock": Five episodes
• "Andy Barker, P.I.": Six episodes, and most haven't aired on TV yet
• "The Apprentice": Eight episodes
• "The Black Donnellys": Four episodes, plus a fifth with cast and crew commentary, DVD-style
• "Friday Night Lights": 18 episodes
• "Heroes": 18 episodes
• "Las Vegas": 17 episodes from this season, plus all of last season
• "Medium": Two episodes
• "My Name is Earl": One episode
• "Passions": Five episodes
• "Raines": One episode
• "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip": Four episodes
BONUS VIDEOS

• Tina Fey answers viewers' questions on video.
• Jay Leno shows off his bike.
• Jim Gaffigan does the animated "Pale Force" with Conan O'Brien.

CBS.COM
• "48 Hours Mystery": Three episodes
• "Armed & Famous": Four episodes
• "As the World Turns": One episode
• "CBS Evening News": Five episodes
• "The Class": One episode
• "CSI": Four episodes
• "CSI: Miami": Three episodes
• "CSI: New York": Four episodes.
• "Face the Nation": One episode
• "How I Met Your Mother": Four episodes
• "Jericho": 16 episodes
• "NCIS": Four episodes
• "The New Adventures of Old Christine": Six episodes
• "Numb3rs": Four episodes
• "Rules of Engagement": Six episodes
• "Shark": One episode
• "Survivor: Fiji": Five episodes
• "The Unit": One episode
BONUS VIDEO ONLINE

• Exclusives like "Animate This!"
• Super Bowl commercials.
• Loads of fan-friendly clips, interviews and recaps of "various daytime, prime-time and late night shows, plus behind-the-scenes looks at "The Price Is Right," "Survivor" and other series.
• Extras focusing on the Grammys and a Victoria's Secret event.
• Recaps of Letterman's top 10 lists, monologues and other highlights.

MYSPACE.COM/FOX
(only the most recent of each)
"24"

• "American Dad"
• "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
• "Bones"
• "The Loop"
• "The O.C."
• "Prison Break"
• "Standoff"
• "Talkshow with Spike Feresten"
• "'Til Death"
• "Vanished"
• "The War at Home"
• "The Winner"
BONUS ONLINE VIDEOS
Not much, unless you go to AmericanIdol.com to watch selected recaps.


CWTV.COM
• "All of Us": Four episodes
• "America's Next Top Model": Two episodes
• "Everybody Hates Chris": Four episodes
• "The Game": Five episodes
• "Girlfriends": Four episodes
• "One Tree Hill": Two episodes
• "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for a New Doll": One episode
• "Supernatural": Four episodes
• "Veronica Mars": Two episodes
>BONUS VIDEO ONLINE
• "Top Model" outtakes
• Outtakes from director and creator commentaries for "Everybody Hates Chris" and other shows.

THE REST
COMEDYCENTRAL.COM
Plenty of episodes online, but (at least on my Mac) the media player jumps and pauses too much to enjoy them.

ESPN.COM: Extensive video clips of interviews, commentaries and game recaps. But it can be choppy video.

FXNETWORKS.COM: No FX episodes online.

HBO.COM: No episodes online, although, Bill Maher's "Overtime" episodes keep his "Real Time" guests on the set to chat and answer viewers' real-time questions at length.

MTV.COM: Full episodes of most original shows are not online but are available through iTunes. "The Andy Milonakis Show" begins its third season on MTV2 April 27, yet the entire new season is already buyable at iTunes ($10 for the season; $2 per episode; first episode free).

PBS.ORG: No episodes online.

SHO.COM: No episodes online.

TBS.COM: Has the full seasons of "My Boys" and "10 Items or Less," but only for Windows-equipped PC users.

TNT.TV: Nothing online -- not even "The Closer."

'Planet Earth' a beautiful but bloody view of how animals live

March 23, 2007

BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
I once screened "Babe: Pig in the City" for a girlfriend named Tiffany. Halfway through the lovely but dark movie, a stray kitten cries to other emaciated animals, "I'm hungry." Tiffany jumped from the couch. Tears screamed out of her face. I had to turn the movie off. She must have wept for 20 minutes.
Here's my message to Tiffany. This new Discovery Channel series called "Planet Earth" -- don't watch it. You'll cry your eyes out from all the animals getting killed and eaten, not to mention the tiny elephant calf who wanders, blinded by a sandstorm, away from mom, in an empty desert, to a certain, lonely death.
"Planet Earth" will break. Your. Heart. It broke mine.
Bravo to you people who can watch these animal shows. You're a steady bunch. Animals bite into animals while they're still alive. Bears fish for food in globally warmed environments that are melting away.
Disney would call this "The Circle of Life." I call it "The Circle of Death."
"Planet Earth" is a work of art, though. It's gorgeously shot in high definition. Five years in the making, the 11 episodes focus on the lives of nonhumans in their habitats around the globe.
The scope is pretty crazy. Seventy-one camera operators spent a cumulative 2,000 days sneaking into polar bear habitats, African deserts, caves, seas -- you name it. They used 40:1 zoom lenses and a gyro-stabilized helicopter camera to shoot intimate scenes up to a mile away, trying not to disturb living things.
Some scenes are unprecedented. You hear narrator Sigourney Weaver say stuff like this a lot: For the first time, the entire journey of a deaf and blind polar bear cub is caught on film. And: A cameraman spent 45 days in hiding to get a few minutes of footage of a male, six-plumed bird of paradise in New Guinea.
Fox News viewers can rest assured. Al Gore does not show up with a flow chart in a cave or on an ice cap. "Planet Earth" is not an explicit political statement about how we need to take action to stop the planet from eroding.
But there are endangered species everywhere, and environs are vanishing to the point that, say, polar bears seem doomed. This is the way the world is. If you resurrected "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" with Marlin Perkins, it too would spot Earth in reverse. There's just no getting around it.
It's simply a fact when Weaver says of Amur leopards, "The future of the entire species hangs on the survival of a handful of mothers and cubs."
For sure, the killing is overkill. Orchestral music (though striking) sounds ominously when wolves dine on caribou. You could say this is a music score for Darwinism. But then, every carnivorous animal preys on another. You could play ominous music over me eating a hamburger. Cows die somehow for my belly.
It's certainly not all death and destruction. Most images are just beautiful frames of rarely seen or never seen jungles, avalanches and reefs. Feel free to "eww" and "aww" at super cute monkeys, penguins, cubs, wild baby pandas, majestic golden eagles, oriental pheasants, arctic foxes, fur seals, and on and on.
But you may not want to watch this series if you get irrationally sad watching a hungry snow leopard bite into a lovely markhor in the Himalayas, because without freshly slaughtered dinner, the mother leopard's young cub will starve and die. The Circle of Death is a ravenous, desperate sphere.

What else is on

March 23, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times

TONIGHT

"Miss USA" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Tara Conner gets to pass the tiara to another potential scandal magnet. You remember Conner. She's the one who went to rehab after allegedly snorting coke, drinking with a minor and making out with Miss Teen USA. Her reign was a crowning achievement.

"Six Degrees" (8:01 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): ABC brings back the first-year character drama from the hiatus dead, featuring its star cast of Hope Davis, Campbell Scott and Erika Christensen.

"20/20" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The Andersonville cafe A Taste of Heaven is featured in a report about people being fed up with things. That's the one where the owner got fed up with unruly kids. He posted a sign reading, "Children of all ages have to behave and use their indoor voices." For some reason, certain parents have a problem with this.

"Acceptable TV" (9 p.m., VH1): Jack Black looks over viewer-produced film shorts and asks viewers to vote for the best. It's like a YouTube smashup with "America's Funniest Home Videos."

SATURDAY

"Full Metal Corset: Secret Soldiers of the Civil War" (6 p.m., History Channel): Some women fought, too. But they had to conceal their bosoms. "Full Metal" zeroes in on a pair of not-forgotten fighters, Sarah Emma Edmonds and Loreta Janeta Valazquez.

SUNDAY

"Grease: You're the One That I Want" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Winners win to represent Danny and Sandy on Broadway. Chicago isn't represented by any of the finalists: Ashley S., Laura, Austin and Max.

"Bring It On: All or Nothing" (7 p.m., ABC Family): A straight-to-DVD movie from last year in which "Heroes" star Hayden Panettiere gets out her pompons to save the world, or at least cheerleading. Cheer-off!

"Rome" (8 p.m., HBO): Pity "Rome" has been canceled. It began two years ago as a complex encyclopedia of Caesar's rule. It ends as a finely written blood-and-sex fest set in hard times, peopled with arrogant leaders and Roman citizens eaten daily by rape and hunger and uncivilized civility. The actors well-shouldered the weight of their historical characters by making them terribly human, whether they were killing innocents, engaging in delightful romps or facing final moments of death. (If only there'd been more screen time for Ray Stevenson's strong performance as fictional character Titus Pullo.) Sunday's ¼¼¼¼ finale begins with war between Octavian and Mark Antony, while Antony and Cleopatra approach eternal fame. Someone says, "Let's not go in darkness." Thers also, "You have a rotten soul." Takes one to know one. If, after you watch it, you want to find out what happens next with the historical characters, Wikipedia.com has extensive biographies.

"Battlestar Galactica" (9 p.m., Sci-Fi): My brother's favorite show - also a critic's darling - blasts through its season finale, populated by Gaeta, Baltar, Roslin and the Kobol Opera House. Whatever all that means. I tried watching this season. It looks so great. Not my cup of tea, though. And I'm always frustrated the whole show doesn't revolve around terrific Mary McDonnell as President Laura Roslin. Love her.
-Doug Elfman

Viewer reviewers: Wednesday night

March 23, 2007

'AMERICAN IDOL'
It's mind-blowing how the best singers are constantly being voted off. There's no way that Sanjaya, Haley or Gina should still be there. THEY CANNOT SING.
-Lena, Hillside

Gina wasn't so sure about the performance, but she did an awesome job regardless. I'm not a big Blake fan, but I was little surprised he didn't overdo it with the beatboxing, and even though he didn't show off his voice, if he even has one, I like the way he made the song his own.
-David, South Side

Stephanie being eliminated was a travesty. As cute as he is, Sanjaya should be gone. "Top Model's" Renee should go just because!!! What a WITCH!!!!
-Anna, Chatham

Melinda continues to perform at a level far above the other singers!! I would pay to listen to her in concert.
-Jim, Park Ridge

Sanjaya needs to go home NOW!
-Kathie, Lemont

'SURVIVOR: FIJI'
So long Anthony! I guess nice guys do finish last. Can someone get Rocky a muzzle?
-Melissa, Oak Lawn

'AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL'
The panel telling the "model" that her "dead shot" was DEAD had to be one of the funniest moments on TV this year.
-Michael, Roseland

Viewer Reviewers

March 22, 2007

'THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS PRESENT: THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT DOLL'
It can best be described as a sleazy, R-rated, amateur mixture of "American Idol" and "Dancing With the Stars." That being said, with half-clothed bodies gyrating and half-minded girls complaining, this show is more fun than "Idol" and "DWTS" combined.
Jonathan, Lake View

'AMERICAN IDOL'
Sanjaya Malakar was horrible again! The best performances of the night belonged to Jordin Sparks and Melinda Doolittle. One of these ladies will be the next "American Idol"!
Caesar, Matteson

'The View' turns to the Sun-Times

March 22, 2007
Thanks to a Chicago Sun-Times horoscope, outspoken "The View" host Rosie O'Donnell has a new label. She is "quietly confident."
Rosie kept referring to herself as such after "View" comrade Barbara Walters repeated the phrase from Wednesday's horoscope entry, "IF MARCH 21 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY," by astrologer Georgia Nicols. The women were celebrating O'Donnell's 45th birthday.
Walters: "Here is her official horoscope from the Chicago Sun-Times . . . 'You definitely explore new turf.'"
Joy Behar piped up: "Does she ever!"
Walters: "You are quietly confident and march to your own drummer."
O'Donnell: "Quietly confident? I think 'quietly' is the wrong adjective. Or is that an adverb?"
Behar gave the birthday girl a toy dump truck with a Donald Trump photo fixed to its windshield. "Very creative, Joy," O'Donnell said, holding her tongue for once. "I'm being quietly confident."

Viewer Reviewers

March 21, 2007
'DANCING WITH THE STARS'
John Ratzenberger gained weight. Joey Fatone wants to lose weight. Heather Mills' leg stayed on. No one knows Shandi Finnessey.
-Sharon, Archer Heights

'24'
Jack learns that Audrey's "bit the dust,"
And CTU has had their trust
Invaded by an in-house spy,
While Daniels wants Muslims to die!
-Shelly, Northbrook

Last night's episode was weak -- at best. They had nothing about Logan being stabbed last week, which was the cliffhanger. Killing off Audrey in such a lame fashion did nothing for the show as well. Hopefully they get back on track next week.
-Sean, East Dundee

Undetectable nukes? Bah. A gung-ho president? Next. Wrathful Jack? CTU just joined the list of Bauer-betrayers. Whoops. Was that before they knew he pilots nukes?
Eric, La Grange

Rick Schroder showed he has come a long way since "Silver Spoons" and helped Jack stop one of the drone aircraft carrying a nuclear device.
-John, Bridgeport

Did you see "American Idol" on Tuesday night? How about "Pussycat Dolls" or "Tori & Dean"? E-mail us your review in 25 words or less to delfman@suntimes.com by noon today. Include your full name and neighborhood. The best reader reviews may make their way into Thursday's paper.

So you think you can review?

March 20, 2007
Review Monday night's "24" or "Dancing With the Stars" for us in 25 words or less. Just e-mail delfman@suntimes.com by noon today. Attach a photo of your face if you want your image considered for publication. Include your full name and neighborhood. The best reader reviews may make their way into Wednesday's paper.

On 'Idol': How viewers really are reacting to the 11 remaining singers

March 20, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times

The Most Talented One
Melinda Doolittle, 29, Brentwood, Tenn.
A few weeks ago, Doolittle dialed up an overcooked song no one ever wanted to hear again, "My Funny Valentine." But she sang a sublime arrangement. It was the best performance of the sixth season.
Serious musicians are probably voting for her since she's a professional backup singer and studied music in college. She's humble on camera, too. She's like a cross between Miss American Idol and Miss Congeniality.

The Tall, Smiling Woman Who Sings Kind of Well
Jordin Sparks, 17, Glendale , Ariz.
She sings a step above a good cruise-ship crooner. Some of her song choices have been sappy from the Celine level. (Celine Dion is a sweetheart in person, but her English-language songs? Syrupy.) So. Sparks will probably win.

The Biggest Voice
LaKisha Jones, 27, Fort Meade, Md.
Judge Simon Cowell keeps saying this is a race between Doolittle and Jones. He'd be right if "Idol" voters at home actually voted for the best singers.
Jones has a larger voice than Doolittle, but she never rearranges a song. Impressive as she is, she doesn't personalize melodies. She also never says much. That may appear to voters like she's not excited enough or too certain of victory.

The Local
Gina Glocksen, 22, Naperville
Here's how lame "Idol" is. Glocksen is the rocker of the bunch. She sang Heart's 1987 power ballad "Alone." That doesn't make her a rocker. Singing Peaches' "Tent in Your Pants" would have rocked the house.
She's a pretty good singer. You gotta love the tongue stud. But her odds of winning are low. Then again, Chris Daughtry was the rocker last year. He lost. And now he's got one of the best-selling albums in America. Glocksen could try that route if she loses.

The Guy Who Looks Most MTV-Ready
Chris Richardson, 22, Chesapeake, Va.
Jackson thinks he's better than Jason Mraz, but Richardson sings worse than many pro singers in Chicago. Some of his song choices are contemporary, though. And he's got a good facial structure and hairline. Ergo, he'll get a record deal.

The One Who Gets the Military Vote
Phil Stacey, 29, Jacksonville, Fla.
He's the bald son of a preacher man who got sympathy for singing in Navy bands and auditioning on the day his wife gave birth to their second kid. He's a weak singer.

The Curly Hair Guy
Chris Sligh, 28, Greenville, S.C.
He has the most distinctive hair. He may also be the best male singer left, which makes him the seventh-best singer in the finals.

The One the Judges Hate
Sanjaya Malakar, 17, Federal Way, Wash.
Somehow, Sanjaya has stayed on yet another week. He has a light voice. The judges keep implying they don't know how in the world he's gotten this far. But why were they the ones who put him through to the final 24?
He should have kept his hair straight. (See photo.) The minute he went curly, he started getting voted into the lower ranks.

The One Who Uses a Human Beat Box to Mask His Non-Talent
Blake Lewis, 25, Bothell , Wash.
Blah-ke did an impression of a DJ ripping a record while singing horrible Jamaroquai's horrible "Virtual Insanity." Cowell was the only judge to bust Lewis for being a big "copycat" loser, because Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson were earless.

The One Who Cried Her Way to the Top 11
Haley Scarnato, 24, San Antonio
There was a "Simpsons" where a bad girl told Bart she could get away with anything by weeping. Meet Haley Scarnato. She murdered a song, she forgot lyrics, the judges dumped on her, but she cried and didn't get voted into the bottom three.

The Hot One Who Also Can Sing
Stephanie Edwards, 19, Savannah, Ga.
Edwards is the only one who's completely MTV-ready. She has done a very good job of covering Beyonce and Alicia Keyes. She doesn't rearrange their hits. But at least you can hear her tuneful, contemporary vocalizations.

Ira Glass expands 'Life' experience

March 18, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
Very few people have complained about how they were portrayed in the radio show "This American Life," host Ira Glass says. But now that Glass is fronting a TV version of "This American Life" on Showtime, he's worried about how some very specific, fellow Chicagoans will view a certain upcoming segment.
He's anxious about a story in the sixth episode, regarding the Wiener's Circle hot dog stand on North Clark.
"The customers and the people of the staff yell at each other," Glass says. "When I say that, you picture a kind of, like, cutesy ... sitcom.
"But in fact, it was so profoundly ugly," he says. "You feel like 200 years of, like, racial division in the city of Chicago have totally come to the surface. It's white customers and a black staff, and it gets incredibly intense and incredibly racial.
"I love those guys, and I love that place, and I feel like I appreciate what they're doing," he says. But "I'm a little scared about the hot dog guys' [reaction]."
Glass -- who launched "This American Life" in 1995 at Chicago's WBEZ-FM (91.5) and co-owns it with the station -- rejected earlier offers to turn his public radio show into a TV series.
"We said to Showtime what we had said to everybody else, which was, like, 'We know nothing about making moving images. And we won't do it unless you find filmmakers who can explain to us how this will happen, and what it would look like, and what it would be. And they have to be filmmakers who we respect.' "
But then, Showtime came back with an offer involving producer Christine Vachon, someone Glass knew in college, and respected.
"They called our bluff," he says.
PBS never approached Glass. And he never considered going with PBS
"Public television is terrible," Glass, 48, says. "It's just not that interesting most of time. There are a couple [great] shows. I love 'Frontline.' "
He considers public TV a good idea with not enough money to operate quickly and smoothly, and it's more "beholden to corporate interest than commercial TV."
"A network like Showtime -- they say, 'Come on. We're going. We're going.' And then they can write the check, and basically we're in production."
Glass did expect Showtime -- the network of nudity, as well as high-quality programming -- to ask him to sex up "This American Life."
"We kept waiting for the memo where they would say ... 'Yeah, yeah, this is good. When do the girls take off their tops?'
"And, you know, that never happened."

WBEZ's Ira Glass brings 'Life' to another planet -- television

March 18, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
Ira Glass looks like an alien. Not just any alien. He looks like a shape-shifter who watched too many "Twilight Zones" from space, plus a few Elvis Costello videos, and then descended upon the earth to hypnotize humans with fascinating true yarns, told in the storytelling style of your favorite literature professor.
In his new "Showtime" series, "This American Life," he wears his Costello glasses and a Rod Serling suit, so sly. He sits at a desk -- sometimes situated all alone in the middle of a white salt flat in Utah, sometimes placed near a breast of a Colorado mountain, sometimes in a car garage.
The alien doesn't really talk. It's more of a curious, intellectual conversation he's having.
"Today," he says from the garage, introducing a segment, "we have a story about this guy who gets behind a camera, and he's filming some people he knows very, very well. He couldn't know these people better actually. It's his own family."
If a journalist were to rewrite this "guy who gets behind a camera" segment, to fit the efficient formula of TV news or the Associated Press, it would lose its rapture. It would be more like:
"A Van Nuys man has made a documentary about his family, and in the process, he experienced a revelation about how his mother and stepfather neglected him while they were hooked on drugs and alcohol. What went wrong?" (Ick.)
Listeners of public radio understand the appeal of Glass, the charming alien. "This American Life" is the most enthralling thing on talk radio. Glass and his massive crew renovated sound itself into a lush portraiture of meandering lives as heard in 20-minute and hourlong features.
It is understandable some radio fans fretted the transition of "This American Life" to TV. But people worry too much.
Let's skip to the fourth episode. It's about a guy who paints Jesus over and over. Painter Guy has to find models to pose as Jesus and pals. Specifically, he needs dudes with beards. So he talks bearded homeless guys and bearded recreational-drug users into hanging around all day on crucifixes and on biblically large rocks.
One beardy guy who's done up like Judas contemplates how he himself strayed from religion to become a "Jack Mormon" and how religion is like Wal-Mart. And then he gets this surprised look in his eyes, like, "I'm here to pose as Judas! Bizarre."
"I don't even know how much I'm really into the whole Bible thing altogether," Beardy Judas Guy says. "Dude [the painter] just came up to me and he's like, 'Hey. You look like Judas.' And I'm like, 'I guess that's a compliment.' So, you know, why not, man? Can't really deny the world of their Judas."
The look of the TV version of "This American Life" is geniusly framed. The main players (Glass, producer Christine Vachon, director Chris Wilcha and cinematographer Adam Beckman) spent many months experimenting with cameras and interviewing techniques.
What they settled on was one camera. On a tripod. It's often set up far away from the regular people in each segment. But I guess camera operators zoom in to get close-ups and other shots. This creates a painterly frame, like a still photograph. And the distance of the camera seems to ease interviewees, not having lenses in their faces.
And they talk. And talk. And talk. In the most intimate, freeform ways.
There's the bull owner who raises a clone of his dead beloved bull, a one-time "Letterman" guest. (This is one of the few segments that already aired on the radio show.)
There's the woman who reads from a diary she kept at 13; she recites her long-ago, teenage thoughts about snorting coke with drug-dealer boyfriends while trying not to get pregnant. ("Oh well.")
It's all very intriguing and oddly funny at unexpected moments.
The first four episodes don't turn up any deep, comical musings of radio show guests Sarah Vowell and David Sedaris. But Alien Glass has said they'll appear in future episodes; they just couldn't figure out yet which of their wry writings would work on TV, and shy Sedaris doesn't want to be on camera.
The show doesn't suffer without them. It's really kind of a glorious little miracle, a half-hour series of little pictures of simple, complex and unfamous Americans breathing everyday lives, with a twist of kookiness, while they search for the Meaning of Everything and The Big Picture.
In the second episode, there's a beautifully framed scene of a gun on the bedroom counter of an old woman's apartment. Her hand brushes near it. She plucks up her lipstick and puckers at her reflection in a pink, old-person's sweater.
The weapon is a prop. The woman is an actor for the first time in her life. She's making a movie with other old people in her 55-and-up condo building. They hope their amateur film will land at the Sundance Film Festival.
If not for "This American Life," where else would you see or hear their long, patient story?
Watching those old people, I was reminded of what it is about the radio show that gets me every time. A lot of the magic is Alien Glass, and the similar vocal stylings of his guest truthsayers, and the creepy, cool music that interludes, and the silky narrative flow.
But what gets me every time, the secret sauce, are the startling reminders of how profound life is in ordinary detail.
The old people who just want to make a movie -- they're a cute little charcoal sketch. But their story is also alarmingly about death (pending), the death of youth, the resurrection of dreams -- and best/worst of all, the notion that hope is worthy of enduring, despite all blunt evidence to the contrary.

Bats, balls, fists

By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

I do enjoy comparing video games to art, ex-girlfriends and philosophy. But a whole slate of sports and fighting games just came out, so I need to cut to the bone this week.
• "Def Jam: Icon" -- This is the coolest fighting game in a while. You portray Ghostface Killah and other rappers who beat on each other in real settings, like gas stations and penthouses.
Heavy beats of their rap songs cause earthquake shakes and rattling buildings. Even better, you throw rivals into obstacles, such as a gas pump, scratch music like a DJ, and the gas pump blows up and tosses your rival (on fire!) through the air.
It retails for $60 for PS 2 and Xbox 360. Plays very fun, alone or online; looks great; it's difficult; rated "M" for blood, strong lyrics and violence. Four stars out of four.

• "Virtua Fighter 5" -- This sequel in the street-fighting series doesn't offer much new, but it does a capable job of resurrecting "Virtua Fighter" characters and their signature punches and kicks for the PlayStation 3 for the first time.
It retails for $60 for PS 3. Plays pretty fun, like an old-school fighter (but lacks online gaming); looks very good; it's moderately difficult; rated "T" for suggestive themes and violence. Three stars.

• "Major League Baseball 2K7" -- Fantastic baseball. The game play is very easy to figure out, but not too easy to win. Pitching is particularly sweet. And there are 300 real player attributes. For instance, New York Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang takes forever to finish his windup.
Retails for $60 for PS 3 and Xbox 360; $30 for PS 2 and Xbox; and $40 for PSP. Plays addictively fun alone or against gamers online; looks great; it's moderately difficult; rated "E." Four stars.

• "NBA Street Homecourt" -- Draft your own streetball teams, such as the trio of Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal and Jason Kidd. This is like old "Street" games (20-foot-high dunks, etc.), except it was made for high-definition Xbox 360 and PS 3, so the look is even more lifelike.
Retails for $60 for Xbox 360 and PS 3. Plays fun in a limited way (there's not much gaming beyond crazy trick plays); looks awesome; it's easy to moderately difficult; rated "E." Two and one-half stars.

• "MVP '07 NCAA Baseball" -- This is one of the worst-looking baseballers on the market. Players look like bad cartoons. But if you're looking for a workhorse game and don't mind the butt-ugliness, "MVP" plays similar to just-fine baseball games from 2002.
Retails for $30 for PS 2. Plays passably OK; looks yucky; it's easy to moderately difficult; rated "E." Two stars.

• "MLB '07: The Show" -- This baseballer would have been great five years ago. Now, it seems old, looks silly and relies on very old game play mechanics where you pitch by plotting points on an arc.
Retails for $40 for PS 2 and PSP. Plays poorly (but offers online gaming); looks archaic; it's moderately difficult; rated "E." One star.

• "Winning Eleven: Pro Evolution Soccer 2007"-- "Winning Eleven" used to be the best soccer game, but this winter that honor goes to "FIFA Soccer '07" (three and one-half stars), a superior-looking game that makes dribbling easier.
Retails for $50 for Xbox, $40 for PS 2 and PSP; $30 for DS. Plays OK; looks poor; it's moderately difficult; rated "E." Two stars.

John Waters goes campy? Naaah

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam."
The Impressive Clergyman
in "The Princess Bride"

March 16, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
Jealousy isn't usually a topic the U.S. government talks about. But last year, the Centers for Disease Control said jealousy is a main factor in a lot of American murders.
Here's a killer stat. One of every three murdered women is slain by her squeeze or an ex. Men are luckier. Only 5 percent of men die of love (not counting suicide). So if you're wedded and you have bullets at home, good luck with that.
Certain death at the hands of a loved one is the gist of many episodes of the various "Law & Orders" and "CSIs." But it's the only motive in " 'Til Death Do Us Part."
"Death" is a new half-hour drama on murder-happy Court TV. Fiction on Court TV might not sound right. But this week, the channel said in 2008 it will have a new name (not yet announced) and more reality shows, too.
Every week, "Death" tells the story of a different couple's voyage from wedded bliss to brutal murder to body disposal. It's not a great show, but it's a good concept.
Campy filmmaker John Waters charmingly introduces and concludes each installment with a Hitchcockian stand-up. At the wedding in the second episode, Waters (as "The Groom Reaper") eyes the smiling couple.
"Although they're both riding in the front of the hearse today, in just six years one of them will be riding in the back," he says.
The production values on "Death" look a step above a Cinemax sex flick. And the actors mostly sound like they're just reading the script. They don't put any chill or humor in the promising dialogue.
A manipulative wife spurns her sex-pleading husband: "Remember the last time you wanted to 'get down' during lunch?" Her older, frustrated husband replies, "I smiled for a week?"
The first two episodes are predictable and suspense-free. You can tell quickly which spouse is probably gonna get extinguished by a sharp knife or a bag over the head. There's no excuse for that. If you watch a "Law & Order" episode about a domestic murder, its storytelling will keep you guessing for most of the hour.
But "Death" does make you wonder why there aren't more crime shows about love and marriage, which is Public Enemy No. 2 or 3, according to CDC stats and police reports. Ask any cop about domestics.
Or you can ask your partner if he's planning to put you in a coffin. Surely he'll be honest with you, since he loves you so much.

WHAT ELSE IS ON?

"Friday Night Lights" (6 p.m., Bravo): One of the most critically acclaimed shows of the year hasn't been a big hit. Now NBC's cable station, Bravo, gives it extra exposure by running the first season through March -- at 6 p.m. Fridays and 2-5 p.m. Saturdays.

"Intervention" (9 p.m., A&E): The reality show starts a third season of friends and family confronting their addled beloveds. Up first: Dude's all jacked up on OxyContin.

"1 vs. 100" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Bob Saget wraps up the game show's successful first season. At 8 p.m., Penn Jillette's game show "Identity" returns.

'October Road' trips over cliches, coincidences

March 15, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
You watch "October Road," the new series after "Grey's Anatomy" on ABC, and you pick up wit and wisdom along the way, because life is special, hopeful, yearning and ... ah, I'm just joshin' ya.
"October Road" is such a rote TV drama, I'm gonna make fun of it for 500 words. Enjoy!
This is a you-can't-go-home-again show. A guy named Nick flees his tiny hometown at age 18 for a backpacking trip and doesn't go back until he's 28. He returns as a best-selling author of a novel that dished dirt on his sketchy friends and the girlfriend he abandoned in that town.
Here's some of the wit and wisdom I was talking about, from the first two episodes.
A woman says: "The past is like a pimple on prom night, Eddie. You can try and ignore it, but it's still gonna prevent Jimmy Wiper from slow dancing with you during your favorite Boys II Men song." (The guy she's convoluting to looks like he's just now getting the meaning of life.)
A 10-year-old boy says to his mom and Nick: "Whatever you two have going on with each other, why don't I delicately extract myself and order some [drinks]." (Yes, 10-year-olds talk just like that, all the time.)
What's special about fictional Knights Ridge, Mass., is it's a super small town of coincidences. It takes only two minutes for Nick to run into both his old nemesis and his ex-girlfriend Hannah ("That '70s Show's" Laura Prepon), who's steamed at him for escaping town years ago.
Nick (Bryan Greenberg) coincidentally drives by Hannah's house while she's kissing a guy in the yard. In another episode, Nick's walking by her house and glances through a window, and she's coincidentally kissing the guy again. Those two should move their game to the boudoir.
Nick is supposed to be in town for only 24 hours. But if he goes back to New York, "October Road" doesn't happen. Gee, you think he'll give up the big city, fame and fawning hot girls to stay in pokeyville?
He's motivated to stay partly because he's crushing on his ex. Also, she has a little boy he suspects is their love child, the precocious little 10-year-old bastard.
In the first episode, Nick does a lot in one day. Those sketchy old friends invite him back into their air-guitar band, which they never disbanded. Gee, I wonder what song they'll air-play now that their old bud's come back. Oh, please, please, let it be "The Boys Are Back in Town."
"October Road" is at home at ABC, which is lately a big fan of middling, suburban, light dramas about upper-middle-class people whose hearts ache for meaning and unrequited fantasies ("Grey's," "Brothers & Sisters," "Desperate Housewives," "Men in Trees," "What About Brian").
Nick sure aches. He supposes: "How do you reconcile the past with the present when you don't really feel comfortable with either one?"
Here's an idea for Nick. Suck it up, bro. You're a well-off writer with ladies at your feet. Do you truly want to move home, with your spacy dad, spiteful ex-best friend and angry ex-girlfriend? Really? Then you're a dolt, and I have no use for you unless you take that college girl you're eyeing on a picnic and feed her grapes and stroke her hair.

Toss slow 'Barker' pilot, start with funny 2nd episode

March 14, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
NBC should consider scrapping Thursday's first episode of "Andy Barker, P.I." As much as I like star Andy Richter, the premiere drips slowly into its introductory premise without a payoff: A CPA accidentally becomes a private eye.
Instead, NBC should run next week's planned episode. It's funny and fresh. The third episode is good stuff, too.
There is precedent for completely killing a new series' first 30 minutes. Last season, ABC shelved the terrible first dose of Freddie Prinze Jr.'s sitcom "Freddie" to open with the second episode, which was at least average.
In "Andy," naive Andy Barker becomes a private dick after he opens a CPA business in an office space formerly occupied by a detective. Clients straggle into Andy's place, mistake him for a gumshoe and drop money in his lap. He can't resist a new, exciting lifestyle.
I'm going to ignore most of what happens in Thursday's planned debut. Andy helps a blond in distress in a red dress. He thinks "Chinatown" starred Jackie Chan. Rather than swear, he says, "Oh, cheese and crackers!" It feels like a long sketch on Conan O'Brien's show. (O'Brien is a producer of "Andy.")
But then come the second and third installments -- inspired, taut and funny enough to warrant an overall **½ rating for the series.
In No. 2, Andy watches a ridiculously out-of-shape friend die of a heart attack, but the guy's hot widow asks Andy to investigate his death as a murder. This is a fat joke; fat jokes are lazy and stupid, yet this particular "Andy" is so good, it's forgivable.
In Nos. 2 and 3, the writing and editing are quick and quick-witted. Storylines are on-target light parodies of detective shows, especially "Starsky & Hutch"-type crap from the 1970s.
Richter and other actors strike the right tone and timing with surprising jolts of comedy. In context only, these lines are great: "I like boobs." "I accused some people of murder today, and it didn't go very well." And, "Somewhere in hell, somebody's puttin' the wood to a quality broad."
If NBC lets the planned *½ debut go forward, people may give up on it and miss future ****episodes in which Andy and his wife e-mail each other while sitting side by side in bed, and Andy's friend hits on Andy's receptionist in a great "Dr. Katz"-like routine.
So what's it gonna be, NBC executives? It's a tough call to dump an entire pilot. But that's why you make the big bucks.

Goldblum, 'Raines' only half on

March 13, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
There have been a singing-detective TV show, shaggy-dog D.A. movies and now Jeff Goldblum's hallucinating detective in "Raines."
This new series is mediocre, however, so my mind wanders: Why can't there be an even more offbeat cop series called "Tattoo Detective," named after a line from Devo's 1980 hit, "Whip It."
A tattoo detective could solve the mystery that is Britney Spears' head, or gang-related crimes. Ideally, both.
But I put "Raines" on pause to Google "Tattoo Detective," and I discover the phrase is a goof. All these years, I was mishearing Devo's actual line, which is "try to detect it." What a bummer.
I'd still vote for the premise of a "Tattoo Detective" over the reality of "Raines." Goldblum portrays Michael Raines, an investigator whose work partner croaked. Without a cohort, Raines needs to talk to somebody while driving around Los Angeles, so instead he chats to hallucinations of dead victims.
Raines' boss doesn't give Raines a new partner, but rather sends him to a therapist played by Madeleine Stowe, apparently because he thinks Raines is talking to himself, and because TV shows need therapist characters.
Why wouldn't Raines' commander just assign him a new partner? Well, that's obvious. If he did, Raines' non-living-dead hallucinations wouldn't have an empty passenger seat to occupy for this show.
These walking-talking corpses are not ghosts, so they have no knowledge of themselves. Ergo, Raines' visions can't really give him clues, because they are clueless.
This isn't a horrible premise for a character-study show. But "Raines" is more plotty than character-ish. Furthermore, Goldblum doesn't seem committed to the role, or maybe he is, but he's not quite pulling it off. He mumbles. He makes Raines too cagey and confused to make his dialogue work.
You can hear kernels of good things in the script. Raines wants his new analyst to think he's merely talking to himself. Goldblum, a good actor, flubs this lie to her: "I can't think of anybody more interesting to talk to. Ew. My gosh. I'm a narcissist." That's a nice line, but it comes out barely coherent.
The script -- like the direction and acting -- is only half on. Goldberg must speak a bunch of other jokey character lies about how his hobby is to make wax models of his internal organs; yada, convoluted, yada.
"Raines" is a rare miss this season for NBC, home to new standouts "Heroes," "30 Rock" and "Friday Night Lights." With Goldblum and Stowe co-starring in a light drama, NBC should be bragging about another critical victory, punning along the lines of something like, "When it 'Raines,' it pours."
But "Raines" is too poor to reign. (I knew I could make that cliche even worse if I just tried hard enough.)

Dorky games of the week

By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork
Video games made for kids behave a lot like cartoons do. Animated characters stick their fingers up their noses and shoot guns at bad guys. It's surprising no game has been named, "Bang-Bang, Where's Your Booger, Bugs?" It'd be a runaway hit.
In fact, in January, the new Nintendo Wii became the month's best-selling system partly by using cartoons, nostrils and weapons to appeal to kids and (there's no polite way to say this) female gamers who used to hate video games. The Wii pushed 435,000 systems at $250 apiece. Amazing.
It's hard not to keep the nose/gun/cartoon equation in mind when you play Wii games for kids. Many titles rely on it. A few thumb their noses at it.
"WarioWare: Smooth Moves" gets to the snout-picking quickly. "Smooth Moves" runs you through a series of short tests. In one, you pick a man's nose by moving his hand to a foreign object sticking out of a nostril, then you yank it out. All "Smooth Moves'" minigames are silly like that.
And like many other Wii games, the minigames of "Smooth Moves" are most fun when you play against another gamer, as you both sit there, shaking your Wii hand controller, which reads your wrist motions.
In "The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy," cartoonish Billy shoves a bone up his beak, too, and he's got access to weapons. The point of "Billy & Mandy" is to stand in boxing ring-style environs to punch and shoot Death in the head with a gun, a book and stuff.
I can't stand "Grim," but I should point out it was more fun when I played it with my 7-year-old nephew Kyle. It's one of Kyle's favorites, partly, I imagine, because of dialogue, like, "If kicking butt is wrong, I don't want to be right."
A better game, the new "Sonic and the Secret Rings," doesn't dwell on nose-pondering or guns, because it has a big-name cartoon character to fall back on: Sonic the Hedgehog.
The heft of "Secret Rings" looks familiar to "Sonic" fans. You run fast to acquire gold rings floating in the air. Villains are trying to kill you, and you avoid them by sprinting, jumping, punching and grinding rails like a skateboarder. The Wii makes this more interactive with that crazy remote control.
The story: A baddie named Erazor Djinn is erasing Arabian Nights tales from existence. Sonic must stop him. This may sound grand, but "Secret Rings" begins slowly. The pace picks up, though, and becomes a workaday (if sometimes cumbersome) adventure.
Then there's "Elebits," which eschews noses but calls on you to shoot cute little Gremlin-styled creatures, which meow oh-so-sweetly when you blast them. Now that's a grim adventure.
The story is, you're a kid, you're jealous of attention-robbing Elebits, so you grab your dad's "capture gun" and shoot as many as 150 of them in any six-minute period. The Elebits don't die. They get captured. But those "meow, meows" break my heart.
And this is where another kid-game element comes into play. You're destroying Elebits in your parent's house. You have to root them out of their warm spots. That means you must destroy TVs, computers, lamps, and your own toys to get to the Elebits.
None of those toys you zap in "Elebits" is a Wii. What? You didn't expect Nintendo to command you to destroy itself, did you?

("Elebits" for Wii -- Plays fun but repetitive. Looks good. Easy to moderately difficult. Rated "E" for cartoon violence. Two and one-half stars out of four.)
("The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy" for Wii -- Plays mildly fun in multiplayer mode only. Looks poor. Easy to moderately difficult. Rated "E 10+" for cartoon violence and crude humor. One star.)
("Sonic and the Secret Rings" for Wii -- Plays fun if you like "Sonic" games. Looks good. Easy to moderately difficult. Rated "E" for cartoon violence. Three stars.)
("WarioWare: Smooth Moves" for Wii -- Plays very fun in multiplayer mode and fun alone. Looks good. Easy. Rated "E 10+" for crude humor and mild cartoon violence. Three and one-half stars.)

Eddie Izzard's not wearing a dress

March 11, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
Eddie Izzard was in his 30s before he became famous as a comedian, but he wanted to be a dramatic actor way back when he was a 12-year-old schoolboy in the U.K.
"They did Shakespeare's 'Caesar,' " Izzard, 45, says. "There's a lot of male roles in that. A lot of stabbing roles. A lot of Brutuses and Cassiuses and Marc Antonys. And I couldn't get any of them. I was Trebonius, which is s---.
"He doesn't do any stabbing, which is no good," Izzard says.
Izzard moved from stand-up to film actor in the 1990s, then landed in "Shadow of the Vampire" and "The Cat's Meow." Now, he's creating the mostly dramatic lead part of a gypsy father in FX's "The Riches."
Izzard plays Wayne, a traveling thief. He and his drug-addled wife Dahlia (Minnie Driver) take over the identity of a dead couple, move into their Louisiana house and pretend to raise their kids in a normal way for the first time.
Izzard does bring a respectable resume to the role. He earned a Tony nomination in 2003. Before that, he played Lenny Bruce in a stage revival of "Lenny."
Last year, Izzard almost took a villain's role on this season's "24." He went with "The Riches" instead, partly because he sees himself as a sunnier actor than "24" demanded. An actor must know if can be believably sinister, he says.
"I did a film with John Malkovich," he says of "Shadow of the Vampire." "If John says, 'Come and have a cup of tea,' you do think John has just murdered his family. He has that interesting feel, like, 'John, what have you done?'
"And I have that light thing, a more positive, upbeat thing."
Izzard sees the transition from comedy to drama as a feast.
"There is a coke-y aspect to comedy. It is a very heady drug. It's like a dessert drug," he says. "It's like eating a lot of cream pies. And drama's like a savory meal. It hits different buttons. It takes you on a journey."
The trouble Izzard had for years was convincing people he could serve dinners as well as pies.
"If everyone's ready for you to make dessert, and you say, 'I'm gonna come and do a savory chicken. It's got minerals and carbohydrates,' a lot of people [will object to that]," he says.
Going from Trebonius to stand-up to meaty drama roles "was a long slow burn," he says. But he made it happen.
"Lenny Bruce said, 'I'm a hustler.' I really am kind of a hustler. I want to hustle myself forward into the best possible career I can get," Izzard says.
"And I've finally been given a chance to do this."

Minnie and her fingers

March 11, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
Dahlia (Minnie Driver) puts a needle to her arm. She's fresh out of prison and crying on the floor of a glorious house she and her gypsy husband kinda stole in a rather unsavory way.
Driver, a Brit-turned-L.A. surfer and onetime student of a Paris finishing school, loves the juicy part of eccentric, Southern Dahlia enough to work 17-hour days on the set of the new FX drama "The Riches."
"Dahlia -- she's just a crack addict, man," Driver, 37, says. "She loves her kids. And she could kill 'em. And she could love 'em. She can't cook to save s---. She likes to f--- in cars. It's all so far away from who I am."
Driver's dedication shows in Dahlia's hardened and taut face. Dahlia is nowhere near glamorous here. You get a feeling for Driver's gritty acting approach when she talks about her favorite actresses, Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet.
"They're real," she says. "I know they all look gorgeous on the red carpet, but I'm telling you, they wouldn't stop to fix their hair in the middle of a scene, or worry about whether their bum looked big. ... They're actresses, not celebrities."
Like Blanchett, Winslet or any actress, Driver is called on to do sex scenes. In "Riches," these are meant to be funny or touching, not lascivious. This is fine with her.
"If it's like crazy washing-machine sex like in that movie 'Showgirls,' " she says, "I don't think I could do that."
One thing that fascinates me about her Dahlia performance is her fingers. Dahlia fiddles with digits when nervous, plucks at a squeeze-stress ball as if it were a spider's prey and tucks fingertips into her pants when at rest.
I ask her about her finger acting, and she laughs at me -- at first.
"That's the oddest question," she says. "You know what? I play the piano. I play the guitar. I come from an incredibly physically articulate family.
"That squeeze ball did a lot of acting for me," she says. "You can say things with your fingers that you can't say with your mouth, like, 'Doug Elfman is weird.' "

The new Minnie Driver/Eddie Izzard show

March 11, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
They're called Irish travelers, a sort of gypsy. The Malloys are a family of con artists. But they've come to a crossroads -- on a road, no less -- and decided to steal the identity of a dead couple, move into the couple's house and forge a more stable life.
Fortunately for them, clueless neighbors in this Louisiana town never met the couple they impersonate. So all Wayne (Eddie Izzard) and Dahlia (Minnie Driver) have to do is connive their way through this new and rough as
Producers of FX's "The Riches" say there's no other show on TV like this, but HBO's three-Mormon-wives drama "Big Love" is slightly similar. In both, the protagonist family lives a secret life while a rival family of the same ilk is out to get them.
There's a lot going on in "The Riches." Soon enough, Wayne will consider faking his way through a real job. Dahlia must adjust to being freed from prison while raising three kids and struggling with a nasty drug habit.
The show's first three episodes don't always land their punches. But "The Riches" takes daring swings. And the acting, especially in Monday's debut, is as good as it gets on TV.
Comedian-turned-actor Eddie Izzard finds the sinister but conscientious soul of Wayne, slyly talking himself into bounty and out of sticky situations. Minnie Driver is nothing short of remarkable, making Dahlia multifaceted and at times funny.
There's room for improvement. The first episode is excellently textured. A few upcoming episodes get bogged by slack scripts and workaday direction, though the show is in the reliable hands of producers who drafted HBO's "Carnivale."
"The Riches" works best when it's more dramatic and subtly comic than when it sometimes unravels into broad eccentricity.
But it's a good start for a good show, whose tone is best when not loud. In the premiere, Wayne quietly recites a William Stafford poem summing up the hopeful drift of his family of traveling thieves:
" 'Who are you really, wanderer?' / and the answer you have to give / no matter how dark and cold / the world around you is: / 'Maybe I'm a king.' "
Wayne is royally deceptive. He's even hustled himself into believing his biggest lie, that everything will be turn out just fine.

Who likes 'Family Guy'? Matt Groening, that's who

March 9, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
Cartoon fans know the score. Two years ago, "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone said the meanest thing fans can do is utter "Family Guy" in the same breath as their show.
Then for two episodes of "South Park" last season, Cartman tried to get "Family Guy" canceled.
"I am NOTHING like Family Guy!" Cartman screamed. "When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a POINT! Not just one interchangeable joke after another!"
"The day after that episode aired, we got flowers from 'The Simpsons,' " Parker told IGN.com's Eric Goldman. "We got calls from 'King of the Hill,' saying we were doing God's work."
I still love "South Park" (which started a new season Wednesday) and the better episodes of "The Simpsons." But Cartman's complaint that "Family Guy" is shallow and jokey could just as well have described the Marx Brothers and the "Naked Gun" movies.
One person who doesn't agree with Parker and Stone is Matt Groening, creator of "The Simpsons."
"At the beginning, there was probably some competition going on" between "The Simpsons" and "Family Guy," he says. "But certainly not from me.
"I know how hard it is to do an animated TV show. ['Family Guy' creator] Seth MacFarlane is a good friend. And 'Family Guy' is funny. It's got its own style. The more the merrier. I want more cartoons on TV," Groening says.
MacFarlane confirms the friendship with Groening, but he thinks some "Simpsons" people do hate his show.
"Because I know so many of those guys as well as I do ... you forgive anything. It's a good-natured jab," MacFarlane says.
"With 'South Park,' it's a little different," he says. "They spent two half hours of their airtime talking about us, which frankly, I f---ing love. It's like a free commercial. With them, I get the sense there's definitely some anger there. I don't know where it's based. But they're angry guys."
"Family Guy," which averages about 600,000 fewer viewers each week than "The Simpsons," also has been called a ripoff because both shows focus on a nuclear family -- as if "The Simpsons" invented the format of a dad, mom, kids and a dog.
I suggest to MacFarlane every show owes a debt to some previous series.
"Right," he says. "You could almost say 'The Honeymooners' or subsequently 'All in the Family' laid down the ground rules -- everything structurally -- for a live-action sitcom.
"And I think it's the same thing for 'The Simpsons' regarding subsequent animated shows. They reinvented the process. A lot of things worked. So of course you're gonna use that as a springboard."
There are yet more haters lurking. In an episode of "30 Rock" -- my favorite show on TV at the moment -- Tina Fey's character Liz broke up with a boyfriend partly because he liked "Family Guy."
MacFarlane knows all about it.
"I saw that!" he says. "Yeah. We always thought Tina Fey was a fan, so we always avoided making fun of [her mysterious facial] scar. But we may have to revisit that."

MATT GROENING, 'SIMPSONS' GUY
On the hand of Milhouse's dad getting cut off: "It was so heartless. It was a really mean gag. But what was good about it was you certainly couldn't see it coming, and it was an underreaction -- 'Ow.' "
On animation styles: "We've done Claymation versions of 'The Simpsons,' and any possible version we can. We'll probably at some point do a parody in the 'Shrek'/Dreamworks/Pixar style. ... My problem with CGI is it's so rich in texture, my eyes get tired. Everything is focused down to the littlest leaf. A masterful version of that was [former 'Simpsons' director] Brad Bird's 'The Incredibles.' He knew exactly where to limit the detail."
On the "Simpsons" movie, set for release in July: "Whoever you don't want to see naked on 'The Simpsons,' that's who you're gonna see [naked]."

SETH MACFARLANE, 'FAMILY GUY' GUY
On whether pervy neighbor Glen Quagmire has any basis in Larry from "Three's Company": "Maybe a little. As a sitcom archetype, he fits into that, always having a hot tub party with Swedish stewardesses. That '70s image. Quagmire's a little darker. You get the sense he might have roofied some girls."
On the gag that made him laugh most: "It was 'Jaws 5: Fire Island.' There was a voice that was soft-spoken, kind of effeminate. ... It was just that classic image of 'Jaws' looking up at the two swimmers, and he's just like, 'I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too.' Every time I see that, I just [soil] myself."
On an upcoming guest voice: "Rush Limbaugh agreed to do the show, believe it or not. That's in our 'Star Wars' episode, which airs in the fall. He's playing himself, and it's a neutral gag. [Bill] O'Reilly turned us down."
On the possibility of a live-action "Family Guy" movie: "I saw the 'Flintstones' movie, and that's all the argument I need not to do it."